Dread....

Dread. Everyone experiences some form of Dread from time to time. Whether it's dreading that alarm clock going off at 5 a.m. or dreading your work week. Most forms of dread rapidly transform to simple burdensome frustrations, irritations and nuisances. Then there is the more arduous form of dread. True Dread often comes unannounced and then consumes our feelings with it's irrational sense of doom.

Have you ever had the feeling of True Dread? I'm not talking about fear. Fear is immediate. Fear is what kicks in when your confronted with danger. A mugger with a gun, a stranger in your house. I'm talking about Dread. Dread is persistent. It gnaws at you, you can't ignore it. It just won't go away, because that is what dread is. It's worrying about something you can't do anything about. Dread renders you defenseless. It slowly seeps in and paralyzes your soul and weighs heavy on your heart. Dread can affect your job, your home, alter your entire personality.

Then comes hope. Hope like dread, it often comes unannounced and then thankfully intoxicates us and inoculates our feelings with a irrational sense of joy and optimism.
Hope is the high, Dread is the low and I guess life is the stuff in between.

Waiting Anxiously...

It is 3:oo and my boys should be home within the hour from school. I am sitting here anxiously waiting to see if Xander listened to me and does not kiss this girl a third time. I have his little brother aka the "lookout" on the job ready to report back to me. I understand that he has a crush and I am totally okay with that but I want him to stay a child for long as possible, they are in such a hurry to grow up. I don't want him to become consumed with girls just quite yet, he has his teenage years for that. So we will see soon enough if our talk took or not. Crossing my fingers...

The Talk...

As you now know a few days ago I found out that my first born son had has his first kiss, first experience with masturbation and asked me how a girl has a orgasm. Last night we had the oh so ominous talk. I was up again all the night before going over in my head the right dialogue trying to solidify the perfect response to this situation on my part. The key to a successful discussion of this nature is speaking to your kids in a language that they can comprehend. Maybe he will really heed my advice if I can get to him on his level.
I called him in trying to remind myself that this was a discussion and not a lecture, after all I want him to keep coming to me and opening up to me, feeling like he can always tell me anything without eliciting a negative response. He tells me that earlier that day he did kiss this girl again even though I had told him the night before I did not want him kissing her again. Even through my irritation at his defying my rules I did appreciate his honesty. I went on to try and explain to him that he was just too young to be engaging in these little dalliances. We went back and fourth finally with agreeing to hold off in the romance department. Next came the topic of his proclivity towards masturbation. This I told him was perfectly normal but a private thing and needed to be treated as such. It was not something to be joked around with to his friends or to ever be discussed with a girl. I explained the proper etiquette if you will and he seemed to understand. Even though I do know that this would be happening soon and that it is indeed normal for him to be curious about his body and such, it still provokes a sense of sadness in me. Not the act itself just the fact that my first born is no longer a little boy. That he is now starting to have these feelings and these urges and that it is only going to get stronger. I am now on the puberty path and now it is my job to keep his pee pee in his pants and to make sure the only hands that touch it are his own.
This brings me to my point that both of these kisses happened at school during school hours. I can keep him safe and protected here but what do you do to make sure they are being good at school. Last year two sixth graders were caught having oral sex in the bathrooms at school. This is not going to be my child ever. It is amazing how much peer pressure there already is in the 5th grade. The one comforting thought is that I know my son and his character. I know deep down that I don't really need to worry but I really have no idea how deep these curiosities go in his mind, do you ever really know. My parents sure didn't. That is why it is so important to me to keep these lines of communication open, with the perfect mixture of understanding his side from a kids POV yet not being to much of a pal instead of a parent. It is a tricky thing.

Why Can't he Stay Little?

I have been up all night again, I hate when I can't sleep at night however this time it was my anxiety about about Xander. Trying to figure out if I will be able to get through his pubescent years. He had his first kiss 2 days ago, just a kiss on lips no tongue thank god but I am still not happy about it. I understand he is at that age where he likes girls and they are now in that " we are dating " stage. Which when I was young it was called "going around". That's all normal and I get that, he is at the same age I was when I had my first peck kiss, but it's all the questions he has been asking lately that frankly has me scared out of my mind. Not to mention this little girl of his walked with him home yesterday, that is a little much for me. I am not being a crazy mama I swear. But the other day he was asking me about orgasms and masturbation and last night Nolan walked in on him having a little happy time with himself. Now I understand that it is perfectly normal for him to be going through all of this and being curious about his body and all of that, but this also means he is having those feeling and those urges and that my friends is what leads to boys having sex. And I am freaking out. I know that it's not something I have to be worried about right now but I am on the path now, it has started and is only going to get worse. My babies, my little boy, my angel. What if he now having had his first kiss wants to try a french kiss then so on and so on. He is too young for all of this and I am wishing now that he went to an all boys school. He gets a lot of attention from girls, hell even 8th graders at that school hit on him, I am proud that he is so cute, but it also scares me. Girls are gonna like him and girls now a days scare me. Not all of them but his last little girlfriend used to send him little notes home telling him he had a nice ass, I mean come on. So ya I am freaking out a bit, I don't want their to be a second kiss or have this kissing be a recurring thing, he is to young for that. He had his first kiss and found out what it was like and now I would like him to be done till he is at least 15. So before he goes to school today I am gonna tell him that he can't do that anymore and I don't want him spending time with her after school and he is gonna be mad at me. Not looking forward to it, but I don't know what else to do. Am I being paranoid? I don't know, but having boys is scary, especially knowing that he has reached the age where he is having all of these curiosities and my god he is asking about orgasms..

A Boy and his Dog

Is there anything better than seeing a boy and his dog. Nolan came home from school on Friday really upset, he had been teased at school and for a 10 year old was having a bad day. Later that night he curled up on the couch still sad and the dogs jumped up to be by his side. It's amazing how dogs know when your upset and in need of some extra lovin. They stayed by his side all night and he slept like a baby as did they. The next morning he got up and hugged them for about an hour then he was feeling great and was ready to start his day. He looked at me and said "My life would be sad without my dogs". I agreed, I know all to well how healing they can be, no matter what's wrong, some major doggie love makes it all better. Why is that? Is there any better feeling than being surrounded by pure, uncritical, unselfish, Love...

Still Going...

Well it's 8a.m. and I am now 12 loads in, all of which have been folded and or hung up and put away. Besides the agonizing, excruciating, menacing back pain I think I am on a pretty good role. I am now going to try and get a few hours of sleep and hope that when I wake up I will be able to stand on my own two feet. Side Note- Molly crawled into bed with Xander and they have both been cuddling and sleeping together all night. Best thing about Molly so far is her ability to keep Xander asleep at night. So off to bed and will start the Laundry back up in a few hours, hopefully....

New Development as I am typing, Basher is off to the Swap Meet and is leaving both kids here. So let's hope everyone sleeps in so Mama can at least a few hours of sleep..

Weekend Laundry Warrior..

Well my Husband did it, I have a working dryer. So guess what I will be doing all weekend? That's right, Laundry, laundry, laundry... I am 7 loads in and about a billion to go. I have noticed one thing, I have no clothes. My husband has enough clothes for 3 of him and I barely have enough clothes to get me through the week. I am just realizing that I haven't gone shopping since I can't even remember when. You know how it is, when you are a Mom with 2 growing boys, I am always last on the needs list. But this is ridiculous. I am gonna need to go out and get me some clothes. I have also realized that my boys have so many clothes and I have nowhere to put them. I need to come up with a better solution for hanging up all these clothes. My husband has the hall closet, the bedroom closet and all of the dresser drawers and still has a ton of clothes left over with nowhere to go. All of my clothes fill half of my closet and 3 drawers, that's just sad. It's like the twilight zone over here.

I have to say though there is no more beautiful sound than that of my dryer spinning away. I feel complete again. I also cooked, yes I did. What is that, four nights in a row now, I am going for a new record. My back on the other hand hates me right now and is just begging me to lay on the couch and put my feet up and stop all the madness. But I can't because there is too much to do. My goal is by the end of the weekend to have 80% of the laundry done and my kitchen and bathrooms clean. Will see how long my back holds up.